I'm Too Young To Feel This Old

Its official, my job is aging me.

I have been feeling so unsatisfied with work. One of the worst feelings in the world is when you dread waking up because you know you have to go to work. This is exactly how I have been feeling lately. I dont know what is going on but my job is not making me happy. I am aware that many people's jobs dont make them happy, but I would like to beleive that that is not the case for everyone.

I enjoy what I do and I enjoy the people I work with, but lately I have been feeling like this is not what my life is cut out for. I have felt this before but this time it is much stronger and constant. Its like a nagging feeling that keeps telling me that I am destined for more in this life than tracking revenue for multi-million dollar customers.

I think I recently had an epiphany when I went on a mini vacation to Virginia a few days ago. For the first time, in a very long time, I felt my age while I was there. I did things normal 23 soon to be 24 year olds do all the time. I wasnt worried about how I was gonna pay my rent and credit cards and how I was going to afford gas for the month. I wasnt worried about reconciling accounts and preparing finacial statements for the insurance subsidiary. I just felt so carefree, young, and so....myself.

I come back to New York and reality slapped me in the face. It was the 1st of the month and my rent is due and its my busy week at work and I realize that I just dont know how to find a balance between being young and carefree and being responsible. I cant find a grey area. And again, I realize that this is NOT how my life is supposed to be. I feel like my soul is slowly dying everytime I have to balance a revenue account or defer costs to amortize.

Looking back on this blog, I see that many times I have vouched to change my life, to enjoy myself more often, to try to really live my life and though I feel like I have made changes, it seems I always end up where I started. Reminds me of a Radiohead lyric from the song "15 Steps." (**Click on the link, its an excellent song**) It goes:

"How come I end up where I started

How come I end up where I went wrong"

I always end up back at the beginning and back at the wrong place. Its a vicious cycle but now I am more determined to end it because I have never felt so lost and unsatisfied in my life. I need an answer and I need one fast because I'm slowly disintegrating and blending into the monotony of life that many fall into. And honestly, Im too damn young to feel this old and to feel so trapped.

What is my purpose in life? I refuse to believe my purpose is to simply exist and use up oxygen. I refuse to look back on life and feel like I did nothing worth reminiscing about. There has to be more to life out there. Maybe I just have to reach out and grab it.

Maybe I just have to....let go.