Day 5-Your Favorite Quote

I wasnt sure if song lyrics qualified as a favorite quote because I have MANY. I figured that it probably doesnt because otherwise one of the days would ask for "Your Favorite Song Lyric."

So, my favorite quote changes from time to time. Currently, I have two favorite quotes. One of them was in a fortune cookie (yeah, I was very surprised) and it said:

"The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything"

What a fuckawesome quote, in my opinion. To me it says that the way to heal everything is to not feel anything. If there is nothing there, then what could go wrong? Its a sad way to think but its something that I agree with to some extent.

My second favorite quote is one I just read recently in that book I keep talking about, "Looking for Alaska" by John Green. It says:

"Everything that comes together falls apart. When you stop wishing things wouldnt fall apart, you'd stop suffering when they did"

I beleive this was something The Buddha said and unfortunately, I think its painfully realistic. It also makes complete sense. This is the way of the world and its something that at some point, I have to accept.

Day 4- Your Favorite Book

Well...another difficult favorite to pick. I read a lot. Its one of my most favorite things to do and I've read a lot of good books over the years. I just finished reading a good one, "Looking For Alaska" and Im currently reading "The Catcher in the Rye" again. Im also planning on reading "The Last Song" by Nicholas Sparks soon. I have sooo many other books to read, I dont know if one of those unread books will be my favorites.

Ugh, this is going to be difficult. I guess for now, Im gonna have to go with the "Twilight Saga". The books are pretty awesome and very entertaining. I was able to read through the series a second time and didnt get bored with it, so that says a lot. I love the fantasy element of it because it allows me to get lost in that world and anything that can distract me and make me fantasize, is worth being my favorite :)

Day 3-Your Favorite TV Show

I usually love to watch anything on HGTV and Food Network. I've never been one to follow TV shows either but recently I have been following two shows. One of them is this new show "Vampire Diaries." Its like another version of "Twilight" but this one has sex, drugs, alcohol, death, drama...etc, and the main actors are so good looking (both the girl and guy).
The second show I follow and the one that is my favorite is "House." I am in love with House. He is awesome and I wanna be him. I love his "I dont give a shit" attitude and his sense of entitlement. The show keeps me on my toes because you never know whats gonna happen. It took me a few tries to get into it, but once I did, I am in for life. One of the things I would love to do is to get all the seasons and just have a House marathon for a whole weekend. My life would be complete :)

Day 2- Your Favorite Movie

Another difficult one that must be narrowed down. I watch so many movies all the time and there are certain movies that I can watch over and over again (Superbad, Mean Girls, 40 Year Old Virgin). I guess if I had to choose one, it would have to be "The Notebook." I've watched this movie over and over and never seem to get tired of it.

Yeah, so unlike me but there is something about this movie that I just love. I love the way it begins and how they tell the story, I love the journey they go through and I particularly like the fact that the happily ever after involves death. I also love both the actors in the movie ( I have a girl crush on Rachel McAddams). Also, the book is even better than the movie.

Noah and Allie are forever in my heart <3

Day 1- Your Favorite Song

This is a difficult one because I have so many favorite songs and it all depends on how my life is at the moment. In the past years, my musical tastes and knowledge have really expanded so it has become even more difficult to choose one. So, my decision is based on the song that has had the most impact in my life out of all my favorite songs.

The song is "Bruised" by Jack's Mannequin.

Certain lyrics in this song really affected me and caused changes in my life. Overall, I just think this is a beautiful song in every way. I hope that others enjoy it as much as I do.

Honorable Mentions:

1. Wake Up Alone-Amy Winehouse

2. Lightness-Death Cab for Cutie

3. Hole in My Soul-Aerosmith

30 Days of Blogging

So a friend of mine is doing this and I decided to be a copy cat and try it. It seems cool and I really have to think about some of the things, so it will be challenging as well.


Day 01 — Your favorite song
Day 02 — Your favorite movie
Day 03 — Your favorite television program
Day 04 — Your favorite book
Day 05 — Your favorite quote
Day 06 — Your favorite color(s)
Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 — A photo you took
Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 — A description of your ideal boy/girlfriend
Day 13 — A fictional book
Day 14 — A non-fictional book
Day 15 — A fanfic
Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or emotional)
Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 — A photo of your role model
Day 19 — A talent of yours
Day 20 — A hobby of yours
Day 21 — A recipe
Day 22 — A website
Day 23 — A YouTube video
Day 24 — A photo of something that shows where you live
Day 25 — Your day, in great detail
Day 26 — Your week, in great detail
Day 27 — This month, in great detail
Day 28 — This year (so far), in great detail
Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the rest of the year.
Day 30 — A photo of your outfit today

Lets see how this turns out. I'll be starting tomorrow.... :)

Did That Get Your Attention, Sweetie?

Last Saturday, I had the BEST concert experience ever. I went to see Vinnie Caruana playing with his band I Am The Avalanche. This was my 4th time seeing Vinnie perform...yes, fourth. I first saw him when I went to see Envy on the Coast in Dec 09 with Delilah. He was so shy and nervous and then he opened his mouth to sing and I was taken aback by how his voice contrasts with his demeanor. I fell in love ever since....(not literally)

So I went to see him again at School of Rock in January, and this was the first time I got to meet him. He is such a sweetheart. He seemed genuinely grateful that we had come all the way to Jersey to see him and he even asked our names. That night, we giggled like school girls on the way home. We promised him we would go to all his shows in the Tri-state area.

His next show was in February, at a bar called Angels and Kings in the city and of course we went to see him. It was open mic night. He was sitting a few seats away from us at the bar and we had already had a few drinks so we got the courage to talk to him again. This time we had a good conversation with him and we asked him a few questions. I even made fun of him (because he takes forever to tune his guitar) and he just laughed. He said he remembered us too (dont know if its true though, but I'd like to think so.) Anyway, we requested him to play our favorite song, "Green Eyes," and he did. I swear that during the song, he looked right at me and smiled. That made my night...

So last week he played with his band at The Studio in Webster Hall. This show was sooo much fun! There was a good sized crowd and they formed a semi mosh pit. People would climb up on stage and sing along with him or they would jump right back into the crowd. At one point, Vinnie jumped into the crowd while still singing but the fans set him right back on stage. There were some people hanging off the ceiling pipes. It was insane!! But I had the BEST time. It was a great show.

We didnt get to talk to him that night, but we had such a great time that we didnt care. After the band left the stage, they played the Brand New album that I LOVE, so we just sat there and sang along to the album til they stopped playing it. Then we got some street meat and headed home.

All in all, last Saturday was a ray of sunshine in my cloudy sky :)

Title of post is from "My Second Restraining Order" by I Am The Avalanche

There Will Be An Answer, Let It Be

The sun always makes its way back into my life, no matter how dark it may seem.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what keeps me going.

Maybe one day, my world will not seem so gray.

Maybe one day, it will be bright.

Permanently....

Title of post is"Let It Be" by The Beatles

FML

I go on Fmylife.com when the mood strikes. Sometimes I'm in the mood to get a kick out of other people's misery for a change. And sometimes, they have really funny stories.

Here is one that had me laughing for several minutes, and then I laughed again later on when I remembered it and imagined it in my head.

*Click below to see the full view *

Poor fool.......lol

Everything That Comes Together Falls Apart

This office is like a freezer and my hands are so numb, I could barely type. I have not been myself lately. There is so much going on in my head that I have to keep myself busy at all times so I dont give my head a chance to run away with my thoughts.

I hate thinking about reality. Things that other people never give a second thought to. Like I cant stop wondering if my little brother is happy? The thought of him being miserable is constantly in my head. I am literally driving myself insane with it. And I wonder if my father is truly happy or if he is silently suffering? And the thought of this KILLS ME. Literally, a little piece of me dies when I think that the people that I care the most about might be in pain. It is very difficult to deal with these thoughts, which is why I am convinced that I am verging on insanity.

Last night, I had a breakthrough with Victor. He told me things that I desperately needed to hear. Things that I thought he was too ignorant to notice and he confirmed things that I constantly doubted. He said them all with such sincerity in his voice and in his eyes that I could do nothing else but believe him. I think that this was the first time that I actually allowed him to be there for me in all our time together. Its sad that it took this long but, either way, it was a bittesweet breakthrough

I'll hold on to this little bit of positive amongst this sea of blackness that I have sorrounded myself with.

Title of post is from the book "Looking For Alaska" by John Greene. Its a quick read and a great book, definitely recommend.

Miserable At Best

I had an epiphany the other day. The kind that wakes you up and puts everything into perspective. I realized that I am a miserable person and that my misery is not caused by any outer, environmental factors, my misery is innate. I was born this way and I will most likely die this way.

I dont know how to be anything other than miserable, any other emotion is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I often wonder how people have happiness that just radiates out of them. What did they do differently that they are able to feel that way? What did I miss? I cannot fathom how people can be innately happy. How people can genuinely laugh and genuinely be interested in how others are doing and how people smile with their eyes...I just dont get it.

The worst part of it all is that I do not want to be this way. I do not want to live my life swimming through my darkness and trying to stay afloat. I feel like I am constantly on the edge of a cliff and like at any point, I will fall over and just continue to free fall in my black abyss. I am sick of this. Misery loves company too so I am certain that I spread my misery without even noticing it. I often wonder why Victor seems so miserable and I never realized that it could be me making him this way. Its hard to be happy around a negative, downer like I am. I dont even know if he has tried to be happy and I have just stunted him.

I keep writing about how I want to change my life and do things so that I dont end up regretting how I live. How I wanted to make a list of things I wanted to do before I die, how I am gonna start living freely and enjoying my youth. But I have been nothing but an unrealistic, hypocrite because I have done none of these things. I have no list and I am not free. I am holding myself captive in my web of misery. Nobody could set me free but me, but I dont even know the first thing about freedom.

I feel like this is beyond me. Maybe this is not something I can control, maybe this is my fate. But it would kill me to think back and realize that I settled to live life a certain way because I didnt know how to fight back. What if I can tackle this? What if I can actually...be happy? I dont want to die thinking what if's.

I called a therapist at 11pm on Thursday night. I left a message. She called me back and left me a message to call her again to make an appt.

I still have not called.

Title of post is Mayday Parade

Emotion Is Energy In Motion

Ok so I noticed I never follow up when I say Im gonna post pics or updates or whatever. Ill get to it eventually...Lately, I have been very busy at work. I am mentally exhausted and dont really want to think much about anything when I get home.

I have also been dealing with some family drama (as usual.) I feel I was betrayed by someone close to me and it has been painful to accept. It is just so disappointing when you put expectations on somebody and they completely do the opposite. The expectations were'nt even unrealistic, they were logical. From this betrayal I have learned two VERY important lessons that I want to share:

1) You cannot help somebody who does not want to be helped. More importantly, the more you help this person, the less appreciative they are of your help. Sometimes people need to find themselves deep in their own shit in order to realize that someone is/was offering them help. Sometimes when you give people too much help, they expect it and think that its a way of life, when in reality help is rare.

2) You can never get something back that was not yours to begin with. I was under the impression that something was given back to me and it was hard to realize that it was never mine to begin with. Sometimes people have impressions of others based on a memory or a shared experience, but those impressions dont always remain the same. I am beginning to accept that people change and the way you remember someone is not necessarily the way they are. Sometimes you think you know someone, then something happens and you realize that you dont know them anymore, you just knew them.

I will always remember these lessons because they represent a tremendous change in my life. I am at a point where I got smacked with the reality of life. And let me tell you that it has hurt me so badly. My icicle of a heart is not used to rational emotion and I've prevented it from being hurt for so many years, that I have become unfamiliar with the feeling of true, rational and unfabricated pain.

Suprisingly, I am not angry or bitter and I have not shed a tear because of this betrayal, I am just broken.

Completely broken....